Jarod Kintz

«I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.»

Jarod Kintz


«A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.
»

Jarod Kintz


«How many 17s can you fit in your anus? Next time, try 18.
 Then try running for political office.»

Jarod Kintz


«When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory.»

Jarod Kintz


«There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.»

Jarod Kintz


«The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.»

Jarod Kintz


«When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because eating all that food made me thirsty.»

Jarod Kintz


«If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me.
»

Jarod Kintz


«A pear, an apple, and a banana in a basket on a table isn’t art, no matter how skillfully painted. But it is something to talk about, or at least a tasty way to utilize one’s mouth.»

Jarod Kintz


«I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.»

Jarod Kintz


«Coffee and me are best friends. The only difference between Coffee and my other best friends is I drink coffee, and I ate all my other friends.»

Jarod Kintz


«I often confuse fog and mist. But one is not the other any more than either are either. Let this be a lesson in love.»

Jarod Kintz


«Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all the lonely people in my bathtub to stay warm.»

Jarod Kintz


«Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.»

Jarod Kintz


«If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others' solitude, I'd have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, "Yes, I agree!»

Jarod Kintz


«Buy the town, and rent the politician. Politicians are refillable, like empty cups of coffee.»

Jarod Kintz


«The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it.»

Jarod Kintz


«Me and her, we’re both hiding who we really are. This is a common practice. It’s called dating.»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream about you. You were the lead guitarist in a band with no voice, and you were holding auditions for lead singer. Everybody in line in front of me and behind me was a mime, so I felt confident I’d get the gig. I felt my performance was excellent, like Axl Rose meets Rosie O’Donnell, but no, you felt a person who sings in silence would make a better front man for your band.
»

Jarod Kintz


«If I see a homeless person begging for change, I might give them money, if they’ve got change for a nickel.»

Jarod Kintz


«My life is a code within a code, and I’ll crack both like two eggs and eat my existence like an omelet.»

Jarod Kintz


«If I can’t see the bottom, I don’t know how much is left. Why does my love have to be so thick? I suppose because it keeps the engine of your heart running smooth.
»

Jarod Kintz


«When I can’t write I read. When I can’t read I sleep. And when I can’t sleep I write.»

Jarod Kintz


«My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!»

Jarod Kintz


«My ex girlfriend, she gave great log cabin. But she couldn’t write a speech like Lincoln. So I grew a beard and broke up with her.»

Jarod Kintz


«The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?»

Jarod Kintz


«Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo “Assistant” around your asshole.»

Jarod Kintz


«A leap of faith doesn’t involve leg strength. Still, I can’t take any chances, so I’ve been doing squats.»

Jarod Kintz


«If there’s a 50% chance of rain, I guess it means it’ll be half sunny. Relationships are similar, with my love being sunny and your love being cloudy.»

Jarod Kintz


«I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.»

Jarod Kintz