Jarod Kintz

«I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)
»

Jarod Kintz


«Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.»

Jarod Kintz


«There’s nothing like a good murder to remind you that life is short. So are midgets. This guy was obviously not a midget, and that’s why he moved to the top of my suspect list (I arranged my suspects by height, rather than organized them alphabetically or, you know, by how guilty they seemed).»

Jarod Kintz


«During the murder investigation, the cop said, I only have one question for you. Before she could ask it, I replied, Yes, I will marry you.»

Jarod Kintz


«My writing, it’s all I have. Well, aside from my health. And shelter, food, and clothing. Oh, and my cat.»

Jarod Kintz


«Growing up, I used to practice Invisibility Technique Number Twelve, which I took from the Book of Orafoura. IT#12 simply states: Act like a tree and hope your opponent can’t see the trees for the forest.»

Jarod Kintz


«If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal, because my watch is five minutes fast. And I can get a lot done in 10 minutes.»

Jarod Kintz


«To be surrounded by sixty people who make your life miserable is to be at a family reunion. But to be surrounded by 600,000 people who make the whole world miserable is to live in Washington DC.»

Jarod Kintz


«Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts constantly stew.»

Jarod Kintz


«If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.»

Jarod Kintz


«With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.
»

Jarod Kintz


«We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.»

Jarod Kintz


«Grow a garden. When there’s a food shortage in the future, you’ll need it. And when people try to steal your food and you shoot them, you’ll also need a good place to hide the bodies.»

Jarod Kintz


«There are at least two sides to every issue, and I like my issues sunny side up. I also like bacon and toast on the side. Are you eating what I’m saying?»

Jarod Kintz


«Do or don’t, there is no don. Don is an honor not bestowed on any procrastinator, not even a professor at Oxford.»

Jarod Kintz


«It’s not enough to be the best. You also have to be seen by the most. A masterpiece painting hanging in the storage unit of the artist who painted it is not art—it’s irrelevant. It’s also a tragedy.»

Jarod Kintz


«I morphed from a fly to a flower to a butterfly, which is like a combination flower and fly. I thought I was in love, but I was merely asleep.»

Jarod Kintz


«Don’t eat in the dark. My brand of cat food comes with a light bulb in the can.
»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m losing more hours of sunlight at night than anywhere else.»

Jarod Kintz


«She wanted to know if I loved her, so I texted her a picture of a dead bird.»

Jarod Kintz


«I think a rocking chair should at least be able to play air guitar before you call it rocking.»

Jarod Kintz


«All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.»

Jarod Kintz


«I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’ll carry Carrie like my hands are as empty as my heart. I never hold my own love.»

Jarod Kintz


«To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.»

Jarod Kintz


«If my shadow were made of ink, I’d kill it and use it to write a dark novel. Possibly a story about fractional banking.
»

Jarod Kintz


«Beauty is beautiful. That’s the beauty of beauty.»

Jarod Kintz


«Do you want some fresh tomato soup to go? I’ll put it in a mesh strainer. Oh, if only love were as easy to contain as soup in a strainer.»

Jarod Kintz


«The office is painted with green and red stripes. It’s not painted that way so my mom can experience Christmas 364 more days a year. It represents the stock market, with green symbolizing greed, and red representing fear. Buy when the masses are fearful, and sell when the population is greedy.»

Jarod Kintz


«Andrew is such a diplomatic name. Or at least it is for the first three letters, as and is a word that works hard to join things together and promote cohesiveness.»

Jarod Kintz