Jarod Kintz

«I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.»

Jarod Kintz


«I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.»

Jarod Kintz


«A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society. 
»

Jarod Kintz


«I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream about you. You were wearing a wedding dress, and I was in a tuxedo. We’d been waiting on this moment our whole lives, only I imagined the first time I robbed a bank I’d be dressed like a cowboy. But you were right, this was more romantic.
»

Jarod Kintz


«I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.»

Jarod Kintz


«I pack a chokehold when flying. How else am I supposed to get the bird to carry me? Apparently my love isn’t suffocating enough.»

Jarod Kintz


«We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.»

Jarod Kintz


«Greek 201 is always easier than Greek 101, because at first it’s all Greek to you, and later the material is still all new, but it’s not so foreign as it was in the beginning.»

Jarod Kintz


«I have nothing to hide, because I have nothing. Well, I do have love for you, but I keep that openly safe in your boyfriend’s heart.»

Jarod Kintz


«My alarm went off. My sleep went on. Dreaming about coffee is not the same as drinking down coffee.»

Jarod Kintz


«I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano, while I watched TV alone.»

Jarod Kintz


«When I was a little boy, say 17 months old, I lived in the forest. I was raised by bears. We had a good time. We laughed a lot. At least I think we laughed a lot. I can’t really say, because I was too young to remember.»

Jarod Kintz


«As a rule of thumb, hitchhiking is no fun. If you’re going to stand around waiting to move, you may as well get paid to hold a pawnshop sign.»

Jarod Kintz


«My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.»

Jarod Kintz


«All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?»

Jarod Kintz


«I’ve wrestled an alligator before. It wasn’t alive, but I still pinned it down. I was trying to impress a woman, and I bet I did, because she went home with another man—but she was smiling, probably wishing he were me.»

Jarod Kintz


«I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.»

Jarod Kintz


«Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, go all out and write in Lucifer on the ballot.»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream about you. You were sitting in a dentist’s chair, and I was cleaning your teeth. You wondered if I was a dentist, and I wondered why more people didn’t brush their teeth with Windex. I did a rush job with you, because I still had sixty floors of windows to wash before I could get back home to my woman and the man she was living with.»

Jarod Kintz


«The chimes were clinging in the wind. Or were they clanging, and clinging to hope?»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream about you. My office was a closet, and your office was a huge fur factory. I wanted a raise, and you got the elevator.»

Jarod Kintz


«Meatloaf is graphable in how far ahead it is in likeability categories. You can also play Mop the Floor with it. I make love like I make dinner that makes cleaning the kitchen more fun for the whole family.»

Jarod Kintz


«I had an unconventional birth. I popped out of a vending machine, precisely like books don’t. But you shouldn’t read too much into it.»

Jarod Kintz


«Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have a list of 100 birthdays to see. No need to write them down, they're simply 50 through 150. Another list of mine is 100 people to meet before I die who look exactly like me, thanks to the miracle of cloning.»

Jarod Kintz


«The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was.»

Jarod Kintz


«When the war comes, you’ll find me on the front line, with some crayons, coloring outside the lines.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’ll leave a note in the lobby that says, “Moved. 315.” You had a meeting with me at 3:00 in room 315. The number 315 confuses you, so you wonder, “Did the room get moved, or the time?” Both did. You’re to meet me at 3:33 in room 333.»

Jarod Kintz


«When I make love, I make a difference in at least one person’s life. (Limit one per purchase.)»

Jarod Kintz