Jarod Kintz

«She didn’t just disappear from my life—she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer’s, I will never forget it.»

Jarod Kintz


«Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off.»

Jarod Kintz


«I have a rating system I apply to all people. Mao Zedong might have a Meow Factor of four, but I like to keep my Meow Factor as close to zero as I can. This system is not to be confused with my HV methodology, where I assign myself a Hooray Value of five.»

Jarod Kintz


«I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called life. I think the cops are trying to frame me.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?»

Jarod Kintz


«Mr. Armstrong has strong arms. Probably from bicycling so much. And steroids.
»

Jarod Kintz


«I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.»

Jarod Kintz


«I have alchemised my love for Agatha, and turned it into gold, which is the embodiment of Orafoura. I am the Elixir of Love--hot, cold, dry, and moist, I am the quintessential element: Jell-O. Agatha makes me yummy like John Wayne rides horse radish.»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream about you. My pee was cloudy, and I brought an umbrella to the urinal. You were the Coach of the Men’s Room, and you were giving me advice on how to be a better weatherman. But I didn’t listen, because I was the arrogant five-time MVP. 
»

Jarod Kintz


«I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.»

Jarod Kintz


«If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success.»

Jarod Kintz


«One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people drowned that day, and all of them remember it fondly as they fondle themselves.»

Jarod Kintz


«I should name my future son after an orgasm sound.
Not mine—his mother’s. It’d be silly to name him Eek, after my orgasm sound, because that’s his uncle’s name, and that’d be too confusing.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.»

Jarod Kintz


«I should make a tongue condom shaped like an oven mitt, so my mouth’s spoken language muscle is protected from hot coffee.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m picketing pickpockets, because I hate politicians.
»

Jarod Kintz


«You could duct tape my mouth shut, and I'd still talk too much. I talk with my hands, so you have to listen hard to hear me. You'll hear my flattering words when you see me clap. Hello and goodbye are the same word, in the language of the hand. When I talk with my hands, I might be agreeable and say "Ok." Or I might be calling you an asshole. But let's face it, I am agreeable, and you are an asshole.»

Jarod Kintz


«If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.»

Jarod Kintz


«I am fun, friendly, and I know how to use the third comma in a list of three distinct items or things. In my book that makes me a better lover, because I wrote it. The book, I wrote the book, so of course I’d make myself a better lover.»

Jarod Kintz


«I was crying on the inside, but on the outside, to the casual observer, and to the man who was dying, I was laughing. That man was my father, and I haven’t laughed that hard since his funeral. Ah, but that’s life, no?»

Jarod Kintz


«A man who claims to be 32 degrees is one freezing freemason. That man must make love with all the warmth of a shadowy secret.»

Jarod Kintz


«Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.»

Jarod Kintz


«Yesterday I shat rainbows until my anus started bleeding from a unicorn’s horn. 
Ah, the joys of being in love.»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a meltless popsicle, and you’d just created melted ice cream in a can—as a substitute for soup. You looked at me as if I was some sort of creep, and I looked at you through binoculars, while sitting in a tree branch across the street from your bedroom window.
»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m the last one to pick, but the first one to choose.»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream about you. I was selling dreams and you were selling sleep. We decided to partner up, until I used some of your product and went for a sleepwalk and fell off a cliff.»

Jarod Kintz


«I knew I was in love because when I saw her my heart stopped. Obviously it started beating again.
»

Jarod Kintz


«I think I found the love of my life. Boy, I’m glad I cleaned out my fish tank.»

Jarod Kintz


«Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician's pants.»

Jarod Kintz


«I made her late, so she made me dinner. And by late I mean pregnant. And by dinner I mean marry her.»

Jarod Kintz