Jarod Kintz

«A blanket could be used to divide people. All men who oppose me should get on top of the blanket, and all women who support me would be well advised get naked and get under the blanket. One at a time, please. 
»

Jarod Kintz


«Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s Day.»

Jarod Kintz


«I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report with the police.»

Jarod Kintz


«A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.»

Jarod Kintz


«The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.»

Jarod Kintz


«If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.»

Jarod Kintz


«Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales.»

Jarod Kintz


«I eat a lot of raw food. Not for health reasons, but because I’m too lazy to cook.»

Jarod Kintz


«My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?»

Jarod Kintz


«You may scoff and say I only make ten dollars an hour, but if at the end of an eight hour shift I made eighty dollars, and I only actually did ten minutes of real work in that eight-hour span of time, then I’d say I make 480 dollars an hour.»

Jarod Kintz


«I make things with my hands. Hands are made to make things, and hands are made to hold. With my hand I hold my other hand when I get lonely.»

Jarod Kintz


«A soldier wages war, and for what, minimum wage? I’d rather make love for free—or better still, get paid to have sex.»

Jarod Kintz


«I know how to tell a woman I love her in seventeen syllables or less. I’m not talking about a haiku, I’m talking about grunts from an orgasm.»

Jarod Kintz


«I have a strong opinion on steroids.»

Jarod Kintz


«My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time.»

Jarod Kintz


«It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start the fire with my book.)»

Jarod Kintz


«Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.»

Jarod Kintz


«Dead men’s fingernails make lovely shallow-grave shovels.»

Jarod Kintz


«I took a shortcut and saved a ton of time. Literally 2,000 pounds of it. Now I have extra time and love to give to you.»

Jarod Kintz


«If love had its limits, and those limits tasted like lasagna, could you see yourself dating a can of chicken noodle soup? I only ask because I’m in the mood to spoon. After all, I am the 2014 World Cuddling Champion.»

Jarod Kintz


«I don’t collect awards, I collect empty trophy cases. Once my collection is large enough, I’m going to start collecting broken dreams.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m hungry for success. And lasagna.»

Jarod Kintz


«Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching them when they don’t know you are watching, especially if they are asleep.»

Jarod Kintz


«The moment I heard her name I fell in love. Of course I fell in love with the wrong name, so I made her legally change her name to match that of my love interest.»

Jarod Kintz


«I've eaten cat food before. Of course, the menu listed it as "Chicken Lo Mein.»

Jarod Kintz


«My mom died. Then my dad died. I’ll try to do better next time.»

Jarod Kintz


«If I found money, I’d turn it in—for the reward. Unless the reward money was less than the value of the money I found, and obviously it would be, in which case I’d keep the money.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows I mean business.»

Jarod Kintz


«I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them.»

Jarod Kintz