Jarod Kintz

«Andrew is such a diplomatic name. Or at least it is for the first three letters, as and is a word that works hard to join things together and promote cohesiveness.»

Jarod Kintz


«Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And critics are like a box of forgotten leftovers in my fridge from a few years ago, except they’re not as welcome at my dinner table, OK?»

Jarod Kintz


«Grandpa said I was speeding, but he drives as fast as a parked car, so anything that moves as fast as a statue is supersonic.
»

Jarod Kintz


«My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!»

Jarod Kintz


«Startled, she said, “Oh, I thought you were somebody else.” “No,” I said, “I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.»

Jarod Kintz


«I prefer physical books to eBooks, because an eBook can’t be the solution to a wobbly chair like a real book can.»

Jarod Kintz


«Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be victorious. That’s the advice I’ll give my clone before I defeat him in battle.»

Jarod Kintz


«Yesterday is as ancient as a millennia ago, because both are forever out of reach.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice cream melts in the Sahara.»

Jarod Kintz


«The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it.»

Jarod Kintz


«Love is like a trapdoor for the heart
.»

Jarod Kintz


«This is my logo for Art and Books»

Jarod Kintz


«Love is a Heaven Cake, with clouds for icing. If there are two pieces left, I guess I can have seconds.»

Jarod Kintz


«A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried everything I can think of to silence the noisy neighbor kids, from mousetraps on lollipop sticks, to superglue disguised as lip gloss—and yet the shrieking continues.
»

Jarod Kintz


«Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m two quarters the way to having 50 cents. That’s right, I have one quarter. But I’m also one quarter in love, and I feel rich!»

Jarod Kintz


«The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That’s why I hand-picked it for my mother-in-law.»

Jarod Kintz


«A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).
»

Jarod Kintz


«A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.
»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream about you. We spoke as though we shared one mind. And we did, though you got to use the brain on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, while I got it the other days of the week.
»

Jarod Kintz


«I went to visit my dad. He didn’t say a word to me. Or if he did, I couldn’t hear it through the grass, the dirt, and his coffin lid.»

Jarod Kintz


«The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes.»

Jarod Kintz


«When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to death. I just hope that one day isn’t tomorrow.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.»

Jarod Kintz


«A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.
»

Jarod Kintz


«How many 17s can you fit in your anus? Next time, try 18.
 Then try running for political office.»

Jarod Kintz


«When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory.»

Jarod Kintz


«There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.»

Jarod Kintz


«The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.»

Jarod Kintz


«When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because eating all that food made me thirsty.»

Jarod Kintz