Craig Ferguson

«You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.»

Craig Ferguson


«Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.»

Craig Ferguson


«I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.»

Craig Ferguson


«When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.»

Craig Ferguson


«People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.»

Craig Ferguson


«I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.»

Craig Ferguson


«Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.»

Craig Ferguson


«Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.»

Craig Ferguson


«I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.»

Craig Ferguson


«If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!»

Craig Ferguson


«Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself, only hope questions itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often. Like when a bumblebee flies or an ancient regime is toppled.»

Craig Ferguson


«That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.»

Craig Ferguson


«The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.»

Craig Ferguson


«After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.»

Craig Ferguson


«Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.»

Craig Ferguson


«If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.»

Craig Ferguson


«My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.»

Craig Ferguson


«It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.»

Craig Ferguson


«It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.»

Craig Ferguson


«I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.»

Craig Ferguson


«Twas the night before Thanksgiving.»

Craig Ferguson


«By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!»

Craig Ferguson


«She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.»

Craig Ferguson


«Oh Satan you're a wily one.»

Craig Ferguson


«The Universe is very, very big.»

Craig Ferguson


«Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.»

Craig Ferguson


«Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.»

Craig Ferguson


«Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me.»

Craig Ferguson


«Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long day»

Craig Ferguson


«The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.»

Craig Ferguson