Chuck Klosterman

«Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If cavemen had known how to laugh, history would have been different.»

Chuck Klosterman


«Real people are actively trying to live like fake people, so real people are no less fake. Every comparison becomes impractical. This is why the impractical has become totally acceptable; impracticality almost seems cool.»

Chuck Klosterman


«I’ve had the great pleasure of meeting Newt Gingrich and having a chat with the fellow on a staircase,” ex–Sex Pistols vocalist John Lydon once told Rolling Stone. “I found him completely dishonest and totally likable, because he doesn’t care.»

Chuck Klosterman


«Do you know people who insist they like 'all kinds of music'? That actually means they like»

Chuck Klosterman


«Pundits are always blaming TV for making people stupid, movies for desensitizing the world to violence, and rock music for making kids take drugs and kill themselves. These things should be the least of our worries. The main problem with mass media is that it makes it impossible to fall in love with any acumen of normalcy. There is no 'normal,' because everybody is being twisted by the same sources simultaneously.»

Chuck Klosterman


«We are always dying, all the time. That's what living is; living is dying, little by little. It is a sequenced collection of individualized deaths.»

Chuck Klosterman


«[On political correctness:] Any intended message mattered less than the received message, and every received message could be interpreted in whatever way the receiver wanted.»

Chuck Klosterman


«There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it.»

Chuck Klosterman


«If I knew I was going to die at a specific moment in the future, it would be nice to be able to control what song I was listening to; this is why I always bring my iPod on airplanes.»

Chuck Klosterman


«I once loved a girl who almost loved me, but not as much as she loved John Cusack.»

Chuck Klosterman


«But I still feel like I lost.»

Chuck Klosterman


«Anybody who says they are a good liar obviously is not, because any legitimately savvy liar would always insist they're honest about everything.»

Chuck Klosterman


«Art and love are the same thing: It’s the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.»

Chuck Klosterman


«Women intrinsically understand human dynamics, and that makes them unstoppable. Unfortunately, the average man is less adroit at fostering such rivalries, which is why most men remain average; males are better at hating things that can't hate them back (e.g., lawnmowers, cats, the Denver Broncos, et cetera). They don't see the big picture.»

Chuck Klosterman


«Perhaps we humans are still in command, and perhaps there really will be a conventional robot war in the not-so-distant future. If so, let's roll. I'm ready. My toaster will never be the boss of me. Get ready to make me some Pop-Tarts, bitch.»

Chuck Klosterman


«I love the way music inside a car makes you feel invisible; if you plan the stereo at max volume, it's almost like the other people can't see into your vehicle. It tints your windows, somehow.»

Chuck Klosterman


«If rain is God crying, I think God is drunk and his girlfriend just slept with Zeus.»

Chuck Klosterman


«When exactly did every housewife in America become a whore?»

Chuck Klosterman


«...because people who talk about their dreams are actually trying to tell you things about themselves they'd never admit in normal conversation. It's a way for people to be honest without telling the truth.»

Chuck Klosterman


«It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn't the number-one box office star in America, because every straight girl I know would see her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker.»

Chuck Klosterman


«But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack.»

Chuck Klosterman


«The most wretched people in the world are those who tell you they like every kind of music 'except country.»

Chuck Klosterman