Funny

«Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.»

Holly Black


«I believe it’s always better to share the thing itself than the reason for sharing. Unless that thing happens to be something abstract, like a reason. Like my grandpa once muttered, “I don’t need a reason to have a reason.” Actually, I have no idea what he said since he was muttering.»

Jarod Kintz


«Unrequited love is the only possible way to give yourself to another without being held in indentured servitude.»

Bauvard


«She stretched, pulling out her earbuds, which apparently in Lykae was code for 'Interogate me,' because the questions, they came a-calling.»

Kresley Cole


«Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too high in the world to generalize that skill, which drives him to drink.»

Bauvard


«Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!»

Rick Riordan


«I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.»

Jarod Kintz


«I have alchemised my love for Agatha, and turned it into gold, which is the embodiment of Orafoura. I am the Elixir of Love--hot, cold, dry, and moist, I am the quintessential element: Jell-O. Agatha makes me yummy like John Wayne rides horse radish.»

Jarod Kintz


«I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.»

Jarod Kintz


«Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.»

Suzanne Collins


«I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.»

Michael Summers


«I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.»

Jarod Kintz


«Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.»

Michelle Hodkin


«The waitress walk away. Everyone look's at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money now to aford food, but they still have each other. And forget what Maslow's "heirarchey of needs" say: some time's freindship is more important than nutrient's.»

Seinfeld 2000


«You might not believe this, but there is»

Richelle Mead


«If you're a nobody, just imagine a lot of celebrities are in love with you. Narcissism is the best cure for attention deficit disorder.»

Bauvard


«All of them are the same type; girls with overprocessed hair and too much makeup and way too much access to Daddy’s credit cards. Girls who, if you took away the designer labels, hair dye and cover-up, wouldn’t be more than average-looking, but with all that stuff look too plastic to be pretty.»

Hannah Harrington


«Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?»

P.C. Cast


«You could duct tape my mouth shut, and I'd still talk too much. I talk with my hands, so you have to listen hard to hear me. You'll hear my flattering words when you see me clap. Hello and goodbye are the same word, in the language of the hand. When I talk with my hands, I might be agreeable and say "Ok." Or I might be calling you an asshole. But let's face it, I am agreeable, and you are an asshole.»

Jarod Kintz


«If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it.»

Jarod Kintz


«They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?»

Adam Rex


«Yesterday I shat rainbows until my anus started bleeding from a unicorn’s horn. 
Ah, the joys of being in love.»

Jarod Kintz


«I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.»

Steven Wright


«Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?”»

Zack Love


«Dogs have their day but cats have 365.»

Lilian Jackson Braun


«I think I found the love of my life. Boy, I’m glad I cleaned out my fish tank.»

Jarod Kintz


«You’re far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You’re far better suited as a wife.»

Lisa Kleypas


«What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military>»

Deb Caletti


«Um i'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much,' Paris muttered.»

Gena Showalter


«All I can do is look at him. Up close, I get a better view; there's no denying the fact he is really, really good-looking, in this rakish, edgy, badass,»

Hannah Harrington