Funny

«I glared at him. “You didn't leave me alone for five minutes, you left me alone for a week. I could have hacked myself to pieces if there's been more than one mango in the house. You could have come home to a very gory scene. The press would have had a field day ... Gay Houseboy In Mango Tragedy. Bears arrested for leaving cub unattended for seven, almost eight whole days with an armed and dangerous killer mango roaming loose about the house.”»

Gillibran Brown


«I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.»

Jarod Kintz


«Thinking, not for the first time, that life should come with a trapdoor. Just a little exit hatch you could disappear through when you´d utterly and completely mortified yourself. Or when you had spontaneous zit eruptions.»

Michele Jaffe


«Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be.»

Brandon Sanderson


«No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad."»

Cate Tiernan


«A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society. 
»

Jarod Kintz


«I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.»

Jarod Kintz


«It's funny. No matter how hard you try, you can't close your heart forever. And the minute you open it up, you never know what's going to come in. But when it does, you just have to go for it! Because if you don't, there's not point in being here.»

Kirstie Alley


«What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle.»

Kenny D. Eichenberg


«And certainly, the mistakes that we male and female mortals make when we have our own way might fairly raise some wonder that we are so fond of it.»

George Eliot


«Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.»

Oliver Oliver Reed


«I drank my lava lamp to get the party started. Later on I made love like a volcano, while I watched TV alone.»

Jarod Kintz


«My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.»

Jarod Kintz


«You are travelling in hyper-speed on a big ball into nothingness.»

Mons Lorenzen


«Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.»

Brandon Mull


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«I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.»

Jarod Kintz


«Nessa held her arm up. She was staring at it, trying to gauge how big that was. “Dude, that’s as big as my arm. That’s like being f****d by a limb dude!” She wiggled her arm back and forth. “That's not normal.»

Erin Jamison


«Honest to God, she was the noisiest woman he'd ever been shot at with.»

Jill Shalvis


«You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud»

Annoying Orange


«Any idiot can point out a problem. So, bosses do.»

Gerry Geek


«Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears.»

Michelle Hodkin


«Does the giraffe know what he's for? Or care? Or even think about his place in things? A giraffe has a black tongue twenty-seven inches long and no vocal cords. A giraffe has nothing to say. He just goes on giraffing.»

Robert Fulghum


«She moved her hands like crane claws as she spoke, trying to dig at the essence of what she was saying. It was the dirtiest I love you I’ve ever heard.»

Jarod Kintz


«Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.»

Benson Bruno


«It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m just a kitten.»

Jarod Kintz


«When I was in the second grade, I used to think love was the feeling a man gets while riding a motorcycle and having a woman embrace him tightly from behind. Maybe I’m cynical now, but I’m starting to think love is a unicycle with a flat tire.»

Jarod Kintz


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«Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.»

Jarod Kintz


«Is there somebody out there? Amy, is that you?” her mother called.»

Sarah Mayberry