Funny

«In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.»

Johnny Carson


«I had not, I said to myself, come into the future to carry on a miniature flirtation.»

H.G. Wells


«I look like a biker slut from hell meets soldier of fortune pinup.»

Laurell K. Hamilton


«This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.»

Penny Reid


«Growing up, I used to practice Invisibility Technique Number Twelve, which I took from the Book of Orafoura. IT#12 simply states: Act like a tree and hope your opponent can’t see the trees for the forest.»

Jarod Kintz


«I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?
»

Dark Jar Tin Zoo


«You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.»

Rick Riordan


«It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that there must be something mysterious about the normal law since mathematicians think it is a law of nature whereas physicists are convinced that it is a mathematical theorem.»

Mark Kac


«I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.»

Starley Ard


«Are you sure you can't dematerialize? Not even a little?"»

Lauren Oliver


«We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.»

Jarod Kintz


«Neythen looked perplexed. 'My mum always said I'm named after a saint, not an illness.'»

Eloisa James


«If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.»

Rick Riordan


«I’m losing more hours of sunlight at night than anywhere else.»

Jarod Kintz


«When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.»

Steven Wright


«All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.»

Jarod Kintz


«Maybe you could be mine / or maybe we’ll be entwined / aimless in this sexless foreplay.»

Jess C. Scott


«(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?»

Victor Borge


«Don't gobblefunk around with words.»

Roald Dahl


«I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.»

Steven Wright


«So hologram means--" I finally said.»

Rachel Hawkins


«Startled, she said, “Oh, I thought you were somebody else.” “No,” I said, “I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.»

Jarod Kintz


«If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months»

Josh Stern


«The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it.»

Jarod Kintz


«A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried everything I can think of to silence the noisy neighbor kids, from mousetraps on lollipop sticks, to superglue disguised as lip gloss—and yet the shrieking continues.
»

Jarod Kintz


«A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).
»

Jarod Kintz


«Remind me to show you the latest e-mail from Courtney," he said now, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. "You won't believe how many different incorrect ways she spelled hors d'oeuvres within the span of a single paragraph.»

Aimee Agresti


«A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.
»

Jarod Kintz


«Ready?" Aeron called over.»

Dylan Perry


«Excuse me, your attention please.”»

Sarah Mayberry