Humor

«He who laughs last laughs the laughiest.»

Louise Rennison


«Surely Tillie knew glitter on wrinkled cleavage was a sin.»

Julie Anne Lindsey


«She didn’t just disappear from my life—she had the audacity to die on me. And until I get Alzheimer’s, I will never forget it.»

Jarod Kintz


«Dog enough not to be human, human enough to be a pet»

Rosemary J. Kind


«To be a good leader, you don't have to know what you're doing; you just have to act like you know what you're doing.»

Jordan Carl Curtis


«The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)»

Shawn Durnin


«Modern wife: A position thought to require great ambition to fill. After initially showing some skill at a maid service or department store, the husband takes her home to find that she has risen too high in the world to generalize that skill, which drives him to drink.»

Bauvard


«I'd been willing to kill for the people I loved for a very long time; now I had to start living for them.»

Laurell K. Hamilton


«I am a single drop of blood trying to mix in with billions of red paint splatters in this Pollack painting called life. I think the cops are trying to frame me.»

Jarod Kintz


«Mr. Armstrong has strong arms. Probably from bicycling so much. And steroids.
»

Jarod Kintz


«She's SINGLE doesnt really mean she's AVAILABLE.»

Emmanuel Aghado


«Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!»

Rick Riordan


«I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job.»

Jarod Kintz


«I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.»

Bill Maher


«It was a needless precaution, I felt sure, but men always enjoy marching around with weapons and flexing their figurative muscles, and I saw no reason to deny them this harmless exercise.»

Elizabeth Peters


«Gordon Edgley's sudden death came as a shock to everyone - not least himself. One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book,»

Derek Landy


«Try not to have a good time...this is supposed to be educational.»

Charles M. Schulz


«You don’t know me.”»

Shawn Wickersheim


«I had a dream about you. My pee was cloudy, and I brought an umbrella to the urinal. You were the Coach of the Men’s Room, and you were giving me advice on how to be a better weatherman. But I didn’t listen, because I was the arrogant five-time MVP. 
»

Jarod Kintz


«I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium.»

Jarod Kintz


«If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success.»

Jarod Kintz


«...Next thing I know you've run off to Paris and thrown yourself under the nearest Frenchman-»

Nicholls David


«One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people drowned that day, and all of them remember it fondly as they fondle themselves.»

Jarod Kintz


«So," he called to her back, "Just out of curiosity, you know, purely conversation and all, at what age»

Laini Taylor


«I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.»

Michael Summers


«I should name my future son after an orgasm sound.
Not mine—his mother’s. It’d be silly to name him Eek, after my orgasm sound, because that’s his uncle’s name, and that’d be too confusing.»

Jarod Kintz


«I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.»

Jarod Kintz


«Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.»

Michelle Hodkin


«I should make a tongue condom shaped like an oven mitt, so my mouth’s spoken language muscle is protected from hot coffee.»

Jarod Kintz


«ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.»

Ambrose Bierce