Humor

«I am prone to envy. It is one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory.»

Augusten Burroughs


«Die, die we all pass away,»

Danny Elfman - The Corpse Bride


«It's cloaked in cultural mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is very hard science.»

Jonathan Maberry


«Intelligent men are dangerous.»

Patricia Briggs


«The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.»

Oscar Wilde


«Over the last fifteen months we've traveled to every corner of the United States. I've now been to fifty-seven states. I think, one left to go.»

Barack Obama


«A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.
»

Jarod Kintz


«Where death gives you a sense of humour, life gives you a sense of love.»

Athan Fletcher


«How many 17s can you fit in your anus? Next time, try 18.
 Then try running for political office.»

Jarod Kintz


«When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory.»

Jarod Kintz


«There was an eerie quiet about last night, like death sleeping on the beach of Lake Erie. I woke up with sand in my shoes and tiny coffins on my feet.»

Jarod Kintz


«The faster I work, the closer to yesterday tomorrow becomes.»

Jarod Kintz


«Oh... Adrian, I've got one more favor to ask you. A big one."»

Richelle Mead


«Leave it to women to be cryptic rather than straightforward»

Kaye Dacus


«When there’s no more food, only the anorexics will be amped up. And I’ll be there to drink up that excitement, because eating all that food made me thirsty.»

Jarod Kintz


«Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.»

Thomas Bernhard


«If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me.
»

Jarod Kintz


«I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.»

Jarod Kintz


«Remember I told you I’ve taken a vow of chastity. You understand what that means, right?»

Robin Brande


«Coffee and me are best friends. The only difference between Coffee and my other best friends is I drink coffee, and I ate all my other friends.»

Jarod Kintz


«I often confuse fog and mist. But one is not the other any more than either are either. Let this be a lesson in love.»

Jarod Kintz


«Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all the lonely people in my bathtub to stay warm.»

Jarod Kintz


«Why take the stairs when someone else can take them for you? Love is like a flight of stairs—somebody’s going to take them, so I may as well be unselfish and take the elevator.»

Jarod Kintz


«They can't tell so much about you if you got your eyes closed.»

Ken Kesey


«The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.»

David Sedaris


«The world is mad, but let's not get angry about it.»

George Hammond


«Buy the town, and rent the politician. Politicians are refillable, like empty cups of coffee.»

Jarod Kintz


«Without thinking about it at all, Harry stepped in front of Hermione.»

Eliezer Yudkowsky


«I didn’t like his tone. In fact I didn’t like boys’ tone when they knew they were hot and tried to be rude to girls because they knew they were hot.»

Luella Christie


«I’d seen weirder things than a haunted shoe, but not many.»

Richelle Mead