Humor

«Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason»

Jerry Seinfeld


«Smartass Disciple: Master, I’m going to change the whole world.»

Toba Beta


«I’m not the pervert you think I am. No, I’m an entirely different pervert. Keep cardboard tubes away from me. (I should be a politician.)
»

Jarod Kintz


«Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.»

Jarod Kintz


«Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black.»

Henry Ford


«Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.»

Rainbow Rowell


«Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources»

Albert Einstein


«In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.»

Johnny Carson


«This bastard was in a self-help program? For what? Square-jawed, cleft-chin sufferers? Handsome Bastards Anonymous?»

Susan Juby


«During the murder investigation, the cop said, I only have one question for you. Before she could ask it, I replied, Yes, I will marry you.»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream that I had brown hair…I woke up and ran to the mirror…Phew! I’m still a blonde.»

Starley Ard


«Don't worry. Chivalry has practically no appeal for me whatsoever. -- Neville Fletcher»

Georgette Heyer


«My writing, it’s all I have. Well, aside from my health. And shelter, food, and clothing. Oh, and my cat.»

Jarod Kintz


«You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.»

Darynda Jones


«A black-haired bitch with man’s hands, widow Liza Van der Bruggenziltch-Finch makes all the important decisions. She is a power-hungry dominatrix. Orwell is her slave. (No one ever sees him.)»

Carla H. Krueger


«A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.»

Ring Lardner


«Mom," Nathan called to her.»

Rachel Gibson


«Psychologists call these fully absorbing experiences flow»

Ilona Boniwell


«From Chapter 11 "Rainy Day Puppy" ("The Missing Tulip Bulbs"):»

Nancy T. Lucas


«This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.»

Penny Reid


«Man. Being mostly dead is hard on a guy.»

Jim Butcher


«If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal, because my watch is five minutes fast. And I can get a lot done in 10 minutes.»

Jarod Kintz


«I admit I get the occasional headache," I said. "I admit some of my hangovers are epic. But usually all it takes for me to bounce back is a sauna, cold-plunge pool, steam bath, massage, and wasabi to clear the sinuses".»

George Gurley


«I love like I’m thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?
»

Dark Jar Tin Zoo


«Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)»

Jeaniene Frost


«In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans.»

Theodore Roosevelt


«Inside my skull is a turtle shell. Inside the turtle shell is a rabbit. And inside the rabbit, all my tasty thoughts constantly stew.»

Jarod Kintz


«It may be appropriate to quote a statement of Poincare, who said (partly in jest no doubt) that there must be something mysterious about the normal law since mathematicians think it is a law of nature whereas physicists are convinced that it is a mathematical theorem.»

Mark Kac


«If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.»

Jarod Kintz


«I had a dream that I was in someone else’s shoes for once…they were the wrong size.»

Starley Ard