Humor

«So. Monday. We meet again.»

Julio Alexi Genao


«Uhm, Kevin..."»

Susan Elizabeth Phillips


«Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.»

William Goldman


«I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don't know what I did before that. Just loafed, I suppose.»

P.G. Wodehouse


«Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster»

Stephen King


«The spell...curled around...like smoke before settling in.»

Rachel Hawkins


«We’d all like t’vote fer th’best man, but he’s never a candidate.»

Kin Hubbard


«Mary-Lynnette: "You have not read 'Pride and Prejudice'."»

L.J. Smith


«I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop.»

Jarod Kintz


«Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be.»

Brandon Sanderson


«Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.»

Billy Crystal


«Sissy Mae Smith...stumbled into the room loaded down with even more bags. "You pack like a woman," she snarled when she finally dropped the luggage to the floor. "How can one man have so much conditioner?"»

Shelly Laurenston


«I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married. I wonder whatever happened to that beautiful girl I got pregnant.»

Jarod Kintz


«Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.»

Steve Martin


«Now if you are told that some piece of information will come as a shock to you, the chances are that you will really feel shocked, even if the information itself isn't of the slightest importance.»

Walter R. Brooks


«A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society. 
»

Jarod Kintz


«I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.»

Jarod Kintz


«Stop looking for your better half! You need to be whole to attract your better whole, if you expect to have a flourishing relationship.»

Valerie J. Lewis Coleman


«I had a dream about you. You were wearing a wedding dress, and I was in a tuxedo. We’d been waiting on this moment our whole lives, only I imagined the first time I robbed a bank I’d be dressed like a cowboy. But you were right, this was more romantic.
»

Jarod Kintz


«And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you.»

Julia Quinn


«For someone who is supposed to be a knight in shining armor, you're acting like an ass in aluminum foil.»

Lisa Logue


«I’m half chameleon, half camouflage, and wholly in love with you, though you’d never be able to see it.»

Jarod Kintz


«Even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others. Modern, no less then Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.»

Oscar Wilde


«A sure way to start your own business is to stay out of everyone else’s.»

Kathy McClary


«Paranormal. It rolls off the tongue with such poetry but it means something like, beyond normal. There is nothing paranormal about magic. Magic is the norm.»

Marcy L. Peska


«He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs…»

Rick Riordan


«I pack a chokehold when flying. How else am I supposed to get the bird to carry me? Apparently my love isn’t suffocating enough.»

Jarod Kintz


«The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.»

Scott Adams


«We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling.»

Jarod Kintz


«I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts.»

Jim Butcher