Humor

«You sound so reasonable for a man who's been jilted. Can't you sound a bit angry? You just lost the best sex of your life. Punch a wall or something!»

Bronwyn Scott


«I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.»

Steven Wright


«Nicholas: I know you, brother. You've been threatened with matrimonial pursuits before. Why are you really here?»

Donna MacMeans


«You can be intensely aggravating...” His expression struck me as closer to boredom than aggravation. “And somehow I suspect this isn’t the first time you’ve been told that.”»

M.A. George


«Art is like a kite with an airplane propeller, OK? Artists are like people who have scuba tanks for lungs, OK? And critics are like a box of forgotten leftovers in my fridge from a few years ago, except they’re not as welcome at my dinner table, OK?»

Jarod Kintz


«See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane.»

Robin Williams


«Grandpa said I was speeding, but he drives as fast as a parked car, so anything that moves as fast as a statue is supersonic.
»

Jarod Kintz


«My wallet isn’t empty—it’s full of hope. Thanks, Obama!»

Jarod Kintz


«Startled, she said, “Oh, I thought you were somebody else.” “No,” I said, “I’m not somebody else—but my clone is.»

Jarod Kintz


«The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies.»

Neil Gaiman


«1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.»

Kurt Vonnegut


«Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be victorious. That’s the advice I’ll give my clone before I defeat him in battle.»

Jarod Kintz


«If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months»

Josh Stern


«If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.»

Richelle Mead


«I love animals, especially with barbeque sauce.»

J. Richard Singleton


«I’m too busy to chew. That’s why I blend all my meals into smoothies, and I make love as slowly as ice cream melts in the Sahara.»

Jarod Kintz


«I was so drunk I couldn't tell a vagina from a bullet hole»

Andrés Aloi


«You know what would help?" I asked, not meeting his eyes.»

Richelle Mead


«The baby bat»

Shel Silverstein


«Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.»

Terry Pratchett


«It has often been said»

Dr. Seuss


«Life makes fun of us and we should help it.»

David Brandon


«Think, think, think.»

A.A. Milne


«It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.»

Groucho Marx


«Love is a Heaven Cake, with clouds for icing. If there are two pieces left, I guess I can have seconds.»

Jarod Kintz


«Hermes gazed up at the stars. "My dear young cousin, if there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it. It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the Internet-"»

Rick Riordan


«A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried everything I can think of to silence the noisy neighbor kids, from mousetraps on lollipop sticks, to superglue disguised as lip gloss—and yet the shrieking continues.
»

Jarod Kintz


«Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.»

Jarod Kintz


«Hey, aren’t you that girl from the web?” the new one asked, bending to suck my earing between his teeth.»

Brandi Salazar


«I’d eat a picnic in Hades with him.»

Kristen Ashley