Humor

«I didn't read the book. I burned it after the first sentence.»

Rodindeadpan


«You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!»

Kresley Cole


«You can knock on a deaf man's door forever.»

Nikos Kazantzakis


«I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.»

Bill Watterson


«Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s Day.»

Jarod Kintz


«So it's true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off."»

Cassandra Clare


«I thought I was in love, but it was only a head cold." (Humans)»

Robert Emmett


«Bite me, Harry Potter.»

Meg Cabot


«A peaceful wave came over me, and I thought, Thank God I’m holding my breath.»

Jarod Kintz


«The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.»

Jarod Kintz


«Charlotte: "It’s too bad they don’t give out diplomas for what you learn at the mall, because I could graduate with honors in that subject. No really. Since I’ve worked there, I’ve become an expert on all things shopping-related. For example, I can tell you right off who to distrust at the mall:»

Janette Rallison


«I was wasting my time, praying for love.»

Morrissey


«Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.»

Kurt Vonnegut


«The best things in life are the things you do by mistake.»

Monika Zands


«Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?»

Janet Evanovich


«It was the hat. He looked sweet in the hat. How could a man in a fuzzy blue hat have used human bones to pave his roads?»

Jennifer Egan


«Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales.»

Jarod Kintz


«It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)»

David Jascha


«I eat a lot of raw food. Not for health reasons, but because I’m too lazy to cook.»

Jarod Kintz


«If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.»

Groucho Marx


«I don't mind foreigners. God save the queen!" he squeaked and ran.»

Jeaniene Frost


«Don’t make a feller wait too long. A feller waiting on a gal can get ornery’er than a huntin’ dog that’s tree’d it’s squirrel.»

Colleen Houck


«I can only assume," said Jace, "that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own.»

Cassandra Clare


«My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?»

Jarod Kintz


«You may scoff and say I only make ten dollars an hour, but if at the end of an eight hour shift I made eighty dollars, and I only actually did ten minutes of real work in that eight-hour span of time, then I’d say I make 480 dollars an hour.»

Jarod Kintz


«You’re not doing a good job of selling me this dumb fantasy. I’m not climbing into the back of your van if I have to be Robin. I’m Batman. That’s how these things work.»

John Kerry


«I make things with my hands. Hands are made to make things, and hands are made to hold. With my hand I hold my other hand when I get lonely.»

Jarod Kintz


«A soldier wages war, and for what, minimum wage? I’d rather make love for free—or better still, get paid to have sex.»

Jarod Kintz


«I couldn't take much more of this. Being the object two men competed for wasn't as glamorous as it sounded in the movies. The two men who both wanted one hundred percent of my time weren't dashing, international playboys. They were undead and surprisingly immature, considering the youngest was just over a hundred years old.»

Jenny Trout


«I have a strong opinion on steroids.»

Jarod Kintz