Humorous

«I didn't read the book. I burned it after the first sentence.»

Rodindeadpan


«The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.»

Jodi Picoult


«Allan praised Herbert for a job well done and for acting the part well. Herbert blushed, while dismissing the praise, saying it wasn't hard to play stupid when you are stupid. Allan said that he didn't know how hard it was, because the idiots Allan had met so far in his life had all tried to do the opposite.»

Jonasson, Jonas


«Ron: [mimicking Hermione] "It's Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR." She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!»

J.K. Rowling


«Elvis!" Min shoved herself off the couch to shoo him away. "Stay away from there. There's broken glass."»

Jennifer Crusie


«The only goal in life is to be happy, genuinely, intensely and consistently , regardless of what it looks like to others.»

Abhishek Shukla


«A table for TONIGHT should certainly have been booked years before-perhaps, it was implied, by Richard's parents. A table for TONIGHT was impossible: if the pope, the prime minister, and the president of France arrived this evening without a confirmed reservation, even they would be turned out into the street with a continental jeer.»

Neil Gaiman


«Himmlisch ist's wenn ich bezwungen Meine irdische Begier; Aber doch wenn's nich gelungen Hatt' ich auch recht huebsch Plaisir!»

Leo Tolstoy


«I love fortune readings! because when I get in troubles, if the reading says that I am in a lucky day, I can think my troubles are just some kind of mistakes, and if the reading says that I am in the unlucky day, I can think that my troubles are just because of my bad luck. Either ways, I can know the reason of my troubles.»

Hiroko Sakai


«Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams" This guy gets around more than Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys, but this time, I think he's gone too far. Unfortunately, I can't put a cover of my book My Year in Oman with Mr. Williams' picture on the cover.»

Matthew Heines


«Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly. Love deeply. Forgive quickly. Take chances and never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you.»

Abhishek Shukla


«Art speaks to everyone but some people don't listen.»

C Vallo


«Asshole," Ephraim muttered as he turned back around.»

R.L. Mathewson


«He told us that it had been a fine day to-day, and we told him that it had been a fine day yesterday, and then we all told each other that we thought it would be a fine day to-morrow; and George said the crops seemed to be coming up nicely.»

Jerome K. Jerome


«Didn't anyone tell you that size doesn't matter?"»

Christine Warren


«You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.»

Ambrose Bierce


«Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man".»

Russell Beland


«Can you imagine life without the horror genre? There would be no monsters. Only a**holes.»

Michael A. Arnzen


«I've fucked you, licked you, bound you, flogged you, and spanked you. Jesus, Lilly, how much more do you want to get to know each other?»

Ella Dominguez


«Bones didn’t share any of my qualms about suddenly holding an arm that wasn’t attached to a body anymore. He just grabbed the ghoul by his other arm and began thumping him over the head with the loose limb. I’d heard Bones threaten to beat someone with their own limb before, but I’d always assumed that was a figure of speech. Apparently not.»

Jeaniene Frost


«Dr. Loveless: Dang these pine needles. Why can't a forest be decently carpeted?»

Michael Garrison


«Any idea why there is a giant penis made out of snow in our front yard?"»

K.C. Beaumont


«It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.»

Jill Shalvis


«The streak of bleach in my hair is as obvious as ever. Am I really going out in public like this? I push my hair backward and forward a few times - but I can't hide it. Maybe I could walk along with my hand carelessly positioned at my head, as if I'm thinking hard. I attempt a few casual, pensive poses in the mirror.»

Sophie Kinsella


«Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.»

Eoin Colfer


«How hard can it be to find a girl and an elephant for Christ's sake?»

Sara Gruen


«(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?»

Victor Borge


«If I could out run the Angel of Death I'd probably die from lack of breath!»

Stanley Victor Paskavich


«Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.»

Derek Landy


«Wait. Are you about to do something really stupid? -GUARD»

Pittacus Lore