Humour

«Dog enough not to be human, human enough to be a pet»

Rosemary J. Kind


«Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail...»

Sophie Kinsella


«I'm sorry," he muttered. "If I... uh, hurt your feelings or something."»

J.R. Ward


«Here's a health to our Captain, so gallant and free»

Margaret Atwood


«Fancourt can't write women,' said Nina dismissively. 'He tries but he can't do it. His women are all temper, tits and tampons.»

Robert Galbraith


«A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.»

Frater U.D.


«No more creepy online alter egos in the name of love.»

Elizabeth Rudnick


«Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.»

Suzanne Collins


«It is a truth universally acknowledged that a sane employee in possession of his wits must be in want of a good manager.»

Charles Stross


«If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.»

Dean Martin


«Oh, I love hugging. I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug 10 people at a time!»

Drew Barrymore


«Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?”»

Zack Love


«They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.»

Karl Pilkington


«Have a selective optimistic sight, transform the bitch glitch "in stitches.»

Angelica Hopes


«Of course I began to see Nikki, which was strange because I was staring into Danny's eyes, and Danny is a six-foot-three black man who looks nothing like my ex-wife.»

Matthew Quick


«I'm so sorry. I think I'm just tired."»

Lucy Ivison


«I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.»

Groucho Marx


«A quarter of an hour more of this success, and there won’t be ten cartridges in the barricade.»

Victor Hugo


«Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.»

James Thurber


«Hello, IT... Have you tried turning it off and on again?... OK, well, the button on the side. Is it glowing?... Yeah, you need to turn it on.... Err, the button turns it on.... Yeah, you do know how a button works, don't you?... No, not on clothes... I'm sorry, are you from the past?»

Graham Linehan


«I got swirling eyes and the capacity to shatter windows with my bare voice. Tod got teleportation and invisibility. The supernatural world is so far from fair.»

Rachel Vincent


«She has to agree to have me. It could take some time, but I’m confident I can trick her into it.»

Robyn Carr


«When will the Home Office realize that when judges retire, not only are they sent home for the rest of their lives, but the only people they have left to judge are their innocent wives.'»

Jeffrey Archer


«I focused, rather embarrassingly, on his chest which was rising and falling slowly.»

Kyra Lennon


«I thought he said you weren’t drunk if you could find your arse with both hands.”»

Diana Gabaldon


«Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.»

Jonathan Tropper


«A man of the mouth, formerly the most oral of surgeons, Henry had the habit of giving his lady patients laughing gas, putting them out, then fiercely fucking them, while tugging on their wisdom teeth. His getting caught was a slip of the tongue, so to speak. While he was buried deep in a muff, some sharp thing slipped, and his prize patient, Mrs Mavis Gilette, woke to find a harpoon hole in her cheek and her lost licker languishing on the floor.»

A.M. Homes


«I glance at Tris. She grins at me, then leans in to whisper something to Christina.»

Veronica Roth


«Again he shook his head. The world's gone mad, he thought. The dead walk about and I think nothing of it. The return of corpses has become trivial in import. How quickly one accepts the incredible if only one sees it enough!»

Richard Matheson


«Y-naga: "That's the thing... It's like trying to find a guy who's a kid at heart but still a responsible adult, so he can be counted on when I find myself in a pinch, somebody who's a little wild at times but normally lets me have my way even when I'm being selfish and just says, "well, if you insist," a guy who's not too full of himself but understands what clothes suit his body type best..."»

Fumi Yoshinaga