Satire

«Human contacts have been so highly valued in the past only because reading was not a common accomplishment and because books were scarce and difficult to reproduce...As reading becomes more and more habitual and widespread, an ever-increasing number of people will discover that books will give them all the pleasures of social life and none of its intolerable tedium.»

Aldous Huxley


«The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.»

Scott B. Pruden


«My pen shall heal, not hurt.»

L.M. Montgomery


«St John had always been a fan of the RS Turbo, mainly due to the colour coded rear spoiler and air vents in the bonnet, which distinguished it from the more common and less powerful XR3i.»

St John Morris


«The first casualty of war is casual wear.»

Brian Spellman


«While the archetype of the tinker is generally the whipping person in classical bedtimes stories, this particular individual was a tinker by trade and just happened to be economically disadvantaged.»

James Finn Garner


«Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.»

Edgar Allan Poe


«Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.»

St John Morris


«St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled, which had been left on the lawn by Marmaduke, next door’s ginger cat. His father had wandered in to the garden and seen St John mesmerised by the twirling mahogany baton.»

St John Morris


«Their conversation ceased abruptly with the entry of an oddly-shaped man whose body resembled a certain vegetable. He was a thickset fellow with calloused and jaundiced skin and a patch of brown hair, a frizzy upheaval. We will call him Bell Pepper. Bell Pepper sidled up beside The Drippy Man and looked at the grilled cheese in his hand. The Drippy Man, a bit uncomfortable at the heaviness of the gaze, politely apologized and asked Bell Pepper if he would like one.»

Jeff Phillips


«[On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.»

George Carlin


«Everything you’re telling me was just a story, and now it’s real.»

Kathy Bryson


«Oh, you’re hardly one to talk. Look where ogling a man got you.»

Kathy Bryson


«Grabbing someone’s ass doesn’t count as capturing them!»

Kathy Bryson


«You didn’t make her sue you, even if you did punch her at that wedding.»

Kathy Bryson


«If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "danger" on the floor around them. Look, it's "danger", don't step in it!»

Mercedes Lackey


«He had also spent a day and a half without sleep trying to start an online petition to bring back the advert for Nationwide Building Society which said Dunroamin, twice, but half the through the second day of the campaign he had realised that it was an anachronism and the internet was about fourteen years away from mass consumption, so he stopped and went to sleep.»

St John Morris


«I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge.»

Jane Austen


«An Ass put on a Lion's skin and went»

Aesop


«There was a certain amount of initial argumentation about the "meaning" of the balloon; this subsided, because we have learned not to insist on meanings, and they are rarely even looked for now, except in cases involving the simplest, safest phenomena.»

Donald Barthelme


«How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun hat is my wife Amy, and these are our best friends/children, Evan and Amy Jr. As you can see, we’re very fit and active. You know what our family’s average percentage of body fat is? Three. Yes, really. We got it tested last year when we all became organ donors.»

Colin Nissan


«Windmill or no windmill, he said, life would go on as it had always gone on--that is, badly.»

George Orwell


«I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."»

Voltaire


«Everything was fine, would continue to be fine, would eventually get even better as long as the supermarket did not slip.»

Don DeLillo


«Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.»

Ambrose Bierce


«Nothing can be more notorious than the calumnies and invectives with which the wisest measures and most virtuous characters of The United States have been pursued and traduced [By American Newspapers]»

Thurgood Marshall


«Kara knew all he recognized was T and A on a string and he was nothing more than a sleazy puppeeter , so long as there were souls for sale he was ready to buy ..»

Saira Viola


«The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.»

Criss Jami


«My new story collection won’t please everyone, nor was it meant to. Then again, not everybody lives in my world. If they did, I’d have to move out and find another world to write about.»

Ted Gargiulo


«He has the memory of a convict, the balls of a fireman, and the eyesight of a housebreaker. When there is crime to fight, Landsman tears around Sitka like a man with his pant leg caught on a rocket. It's like there's a film score playing behind him, heavy on the castanets. The problem comes in the hours when he isn't working, when his thoughts start blowing out the open window of his brain like pages from the blotter. Sometimes it takes a heavy paperweight to pin them down.»

Michael Chabon